I try…and Fail

I seem to fail a lot lately.

Sometimes it is unbearable being an introvert in an extrovert society. The anxiety is almost a constant ache inside me. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one struggling with this. I know that is untrue, but the thought crawls into my soul and nestles in the deepest darkest places. I have to remind myself, sometimes daily, that I am not the only one.

I am getting better. It is a slow process. It takes strength. It takes patience. It takes open communication with the people in my life. But sometimes I feel like it is a losing battle.

“What are you doing?” A friend texts me.

“Nothing.” I respond.

“Me either. Want to see a movie or something?”

My anxiety level raises at the question. No, I don’t want to do anything because I already have plans to do nothing. If I wanted to do something I would have responded with: No plans, want to do something? Now, how do I respond without sounding like an asshole?

“Hello?”

Seriously? It hasn’t even been five minutes yet? Do you not grasp the meaning of texting? I sigh, feeling like a jerk. I can either say okay, get dressed, and go out or say no, feel like an asshole but enjoy my scarce hermit time…

Does anyone else struggle with getting asked to go do something mere hours before hand? Is it just me? I need at least a days notice for plans. Because in the moment, anyone who asks me to do something other than what I already planned to do (even if it is nothing) makes me feel like I am in a cage with zombies just outside reaching through the bars to eat my brain.

So I sigh and either say no and feel like an asshole or go out and if I am honest have a good time, but feel so worn to the bone by the time I get home I feel like I could sleep for a week.

I love my friends. They are awesome and  understanding. The above reference was to when I couldn’t communicate me needs and wants. I felt isolated. I felt tired and depressed all the time pretending to be something I am not. And although, sometimes on the rare occasion the above scenario happens, I feel strong and better apt to hand it. Now I am not afraid of saying:

“Hey. I am currently hermitting. Want to do a movie or something tomorrow?”

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