Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am over-reacting. Or maybe it is because I have been in abusive relationships in the past (
yes, notice the plural there) and I am just hyper-sensitive to any type of abuse. So now, when I am involved in a hostile environment, I recognize the abuse. Whether it be at work, home, or where ever. And I die a little more on the inside.
Is it just me? Am I being punished for past crimes? For a number of years I put myself in destructive paths because I felt, deep down, I deserved to be punished…I deserved to be treated badly. It’s quite depressing when I remember my reasoning, which I will not delve into here, at least not today. Remember, I am cold, distant and cannot open up even to my closest friends…that is why I am on here. Okay, I wasn’t told I am cold…recently at least. Granted, recovering from emotional and verbal abuse is really tough on a person.
I remember when I moved back home after I left, it was like I could finally breathe again. I acted like my old self, shoving those months down into my pit of despair and pretending like it never happened. Hind-site, it was the worse thing in the world for me to do. But my friends and family had spent enough time worrying about me and my sanity. I didn’t want them to worry anymore. So I kept moving forward and smiling until I broke apart on the inside and began to drown. I realized how great I was at pretending nothing was wrong…until I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Fast-forward a few years and here I am again. Different place, different people, complete different situation…same tune and hitting my breaking point. I am familiar with the signs all too well. And the thing that really gets under my skin is I still feel that slight helpless feeling…which I am not. I am working on changing my situation. I just cannot give up. It isn’t in my nature to give up. I will keep fighting. I will keep my head up. I will keep moving forward. I will keep doing my best and I will not let this place eat away at my soul anymore. It has taken a little bit too much from me…a little at a time. And today I discovered, it isn’t just me.