The Beast Within

puppet

It really gets under my skin when someone tells me, or ever so politely suggests, how to feel, what to think or even go as far as how to act. I know I should try to find some of my patience for when this happens, but it fails me every time. It was said to me a long time ago how I had a Hulk sleeping inside me. Everything will be fine until suddenly it’s not. I try not to show my angry side. One reason is because it’s not very pleasant and I hate feeling all that rage boiling over me, making me lose control. I don’t want people to see that side of me. I used to be angry all the time. Then I bottled it all up and ignored it for years until I lost someone dear to me. When I finally snapped, it seemed all I could see was red and darkness. That’s when I started unconsciously punishing myself.

I had almost forgotten about that uncontrollable angry side of mine. I haven’t been so angry, so fast in years. A few weeks ago, when my license plate was stolen, I remembered that beast I keep hidden. Actually, it reminded me. I have been walking a tight rope lately. Between stress at work and it seems the daily stress of my life, I have been struggling. So after a fun day at Dollywood celebrating a year of new friendship, I discovered my license plate of my brand new car gone and I saw nothing but darkness. It seems like a tiny thing, but at the time, the tight rope I had been precariously walking on snapped. After I called the police (who funnily enough turned out to be a friend from high school), I went back into the restaurant with my friends and attempted to eat. My new friend’s boyfriend, I found out via stupid Facebook, how I had scared him with my angry face. I remember looking up and over at him and discovering him tentatively looking at me like I was a rabid animal. Poor guy.

I really hate when people see me like that. Actually, I hate it when people see me lose control with any emotion really. I like to think of myself as a robot around others. Maybe that is the reason people think getting information out of me is like pulling teeth.

I wish the beast I keep hidden wasn’t showing up more frequently. It’s like I cannot keep hidden when people annoy me. It’s not their fault they think they know better than me how to express myself. I’m sure they actually do know better in that department. But really, don’t get upset when I don’t follow your instructions. Especially don’t get upset when I finally snap after the fifth ever so polite suggestion on how I should act or behave in a given situation.

Sometimes I wish I was a different person. Wouldn’t it be great if I wasn’t such a control freak? If I wasn’t stubborn and independent to a fault?

Eh….

I’m probably too stubborn to really change my ways. And besides, if I were to change…then I wouldn’t really be me. All I can do is do my best to not hurt people’s feelings when they start picking at me. Maybe I am just hyper-sensitive when people start to tell me what I can do. Maybe it’s my independence that gets my back up when a person is trying to control me. Possibly, this person doesn’t even realize what their words sound like. They more than likely don’t even realize they are trying to make me into a puppet….again. But, no matter. I will not be a puppet on a string ever again. And I will not be made to feel bad that I won’t….sometimes my stubbornness comes in handy.

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