Need a Little Room to Breathe

“Historically, psychologists have looked at introversion as the absence of extroversion. They measure extroversion, and if you are low in it, then you are considered an introvert. This perpetuates the perception of introversion as negative space, and introverted activities as not really doing anything. We need to train ourselves, and others, out of this idea. We need to start seeing doing nothing (or reading, or working alone on projects, or whatever it is we do to recharge) as activities that are as valid as any social event. – Sophia Dembling, Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After

There is nothing like getting away from the world for the weekend to make you realize you would much rather be away from the world enjoying the solitude than right dab in the middle of it…especially involving my current life. People are training me to not want to talk to them…to not even bother responding to their condescending words.

Despite not being ready to return to everyday life away from camping, I was excited to be heading home. I hadn’t seen my parents in over a week because they were off having fun on vacation. I was excited to hear about my BFF’s weekend. And I had a friend in the hospital with a bad infection who I was/am worried about. But now that I am back, I wish I was away again. I kept fantasizing about just disappearing from my life and living in a tent. I need air conditioning too much in the summer to actually be able to do that, but the thought is nice. A weekend away is a good enough escape, albeit not long enough to my liking.

I feel pretty good today, unlike the bone tired feeling that plagued me yesterday. This month, my BFF is doing a water and walking fitness challenge. That has gotten me motivated to attempt to start working out again. Step one: get up and work out. Step two: actually continue to work out. I usually fail at step two. Last night after dinner, I did a 20 minute workout with Turbo Jam. That particular work out hurt my knee so this morning, with a little help my Nelson, I got out of bed at 6 AM and worked out to a program called PiYo. PiYo definitely helped my knee out although some positions I will have to modify to keep from hurting myself in the future.

That is what I will do. I will concentrate on things that make me happy. I will ignore those who make me feel small with their words. I don’t need to be made to feel worse. This past weekend made me realize I am an enabler. Lately, when I have actually stood up for myself when I didn’t like the way a person was talking to me, I was told I was being an asshole… Wow. I didn’t realize that by pointing out I didn’t appreciate the way you just spoke to me made me an asshole. But that is okay. I can be the asshole that stands up for myself. I will not be the enabler anymore. Maybe it takes running into a ghost from your past you never expected to see over the weekend. Maybe it was the way I turned my back and pretended it didn’t happen. But suddenly it hit me, and not for the first time, that I allow people to talk to me in a disrespectful manner…I allow people to disrespect me because I avoid confrontation…because I don’t want to hurt others by telling them: hey, you dismissing my feelings and telling me to “get over it” is not okay. But then…I am the one being hurt all the time and that is not okay.

I don’t need to disappear in the woods to avoid the few that treat me like dirt. I just need a little room to breathe…to regroup. I need to learn to stand my ground and not be a dick about it. Wow…just writing that out, letting the words start to settle inside me has actually relieved a little bit of the heaviness on my soul. I need to learn how to handle confrontation and not just disappear to the woods whenever a problem hangs over me.

Time for a change and to grow up a little bit.

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