I really can’t stand feeling like this. It’s my own fault. I can’t blame anyone but me. I have made the choices to bring me to this moment in time. Spending even a moment thinking what if is pointless and counterproductive.

But…. what if?

How can I not be bone deep miserable? Why is it I can go a few weeks and think…damn, I have my life together and then suddenly the light switch turns off and I’m stumbling around in the dark with my arms outstretched hoping I do not trip over anything and break my leg? I’d say it’s not fair, but then I would have to slap myself in disgust. And I don’t want to slap myself. I like myself…. for the most part.

I can make it until Wednesday at four, right? I just need to make to camping. As long as I can make it to the worst state ever and spend the few days relaxing at a campsite with my sister and dad…I will be able to manage anything after that. I’ll be like the little engine that could: I think I can. I think I can. Or whatever that little engine said, I don’t really remember anything but that.

My anxiety is at an all time high this week.

How can I be a less anxious person? Is it possible? I need to stop internalizing everything…easier said than done.

nerdWhy can’t be life be more like the fictional world? Granted, sometime the fictional world isn’t all the pleasant. I would still be plagued with stress, anxiety, and face all the unpleasantness that real life face, but…wouldn’t it be more fun? I mean, come boyson… look at these guys.

So tonight I will get into comfy clothes after a brief stop at McKay’s because that is one of the best places to stop after a trying week. And then I shall watch Chuck. Being an adult sucks the fun and joy out of life with the responsibilities that come along with bills, debt, and work. But it doesn’t have to ruin me. What is the worst that can happen?

Ugh. Every single time I am okay with the answers, my brain discovers a new horrible thing. Thank you, brain. I love you too….jerk.



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