Sometimes it hits me out of no where. The pain. The memories. It tears me apart. Even after all the years. It’s worse when I am engrossed into a movie and the emotion of what a character is going through brings it all back.
This is one of those times where it will take me days. Long after the movie ended, my eyes kept leaking. Even when I drove home, my heart was still breaking and my tears wouldn’t stop. Now I feel like my head is a balloon and all I want to do is lay on my couch and watch Alice and pretend like everything is okay. Maybe if I can pretend, I can fake it until I am actually okay.
I hate it when this comes out of left field. Sometimes I can prepare. But when you watch a scary movie you don’t expect to be hit with all the feelings that you may have ignored thirteen years ago. So now when the pain washes over me, I don’t ignore it. I left it engulf me. Because after all the pain, the memories come flooding back. The good memories. Your smile. Your laugh. The way you used to wake me up by staring at me, inches away from my face. Parking garages and road trips. Winter and singing Waiting for the Alien in the car. Dollywood. The last time I saw your face. You tried to scare me, but I saw you coming in the mirror. Reading a book out loud and pissing everyone off.
Memories make the pain worth it.
So when I am watching a movie and I get overwhelmed by emotions, I do not push them away. I embrace it. Because eventually, I smile and remember.